Windsor Family Values

Yes, of course it would be lovely if Princess Kate were here. Unfortunately, she’s not here, and, more importantly, she is not “Princess Kate.” She is “Duchess Kate,” or, more properly, “Duchess Catherine.” Or, if you absolutely insist upon using “Princess,” she is “Princess William of Wales.” Being a princess is a lot less cool if it means you have to use a boy’s name, isn’t it?

The leaked photos of Harry in Las Vegas have confirmed what one has long suspected: One married the wrong Windsor.

Please tell me you did not just ask when “Princess Kate” was going to arrive.

Oh, Charlene, please. So Kate stole your thunder last summer wedding-wise. Get over it. At least you don’t have to curtsy to her.

One favors a large hat, as one has found that the larger the hat, the further away one’s husband must stand.

One knows it’s a bit cheap, of course, “forgetting” to attach one’s skirt anchors so that one’s dress blows up in the wind. One’s not proud of it, but with Kate in the mix, one does what is necessary to stay in the game.

Now Sophie, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Beatrice: Just because everyone loves Kate doesn’t mean they don’t love you too.

Oh, Andrew, really. You know perfectly well that this is not what your mother meant when she told you to “lie low for a spell.” 

Yoo-hoo! Remember me? Sophie? The commoner who married into the Royal Family years before anyone had even heard of Kate Middleton? 

Please, God, please make Kate’s hair fall out.

Mummy’s right: One must remember to leave the wife at home when there’s an open bar.

Er, Sophie, there appears to be something nesting beneath your hat.

All I hear all day long is how wonderful Catherine is at this, or how great Catherine did that. Catherine, Catherine, Catherine!

#windsorwifeproblems