Windsor Family Values

But that’s so unfair! Why do you get to be a Scout and hang out with Kate while I keep getting rejected?

One finds it so interesting to see how the other half lives.

Don’t be shy, dear, one loves bald people.

One had rather hoped that once one was Royal, one would simply be able to ring one’s butler and ask him to fetch some bullion from the Treasury. 

In general, one believes a woman has the right to dress as she pleases without being objectified by strange men,  however, in this case, much as one dislikes being leered at by this drunken fisherman, one must concede that because he is an inanimate wax statue and because one chose to sit directly in his line of sight, one was, in fact, “asking for it.” 

So, wait, are you telling me that it is not, in fact, traditional for the godfather to throw a stag party for the father-to-be? 

Just doing a spot of gardening. 

Oh, lovely, another teddy bear that Lupo will rip to shreds long before the baby is born.

One has been thinking that in 25 years or so, it would be lovely if one’s first-born son or daughter marries an American. Ideally one born in Manhattan. Preferably one with some Welsh blood…a Welsh-born grandfather, maybe? Perhaps one with a “Y” in their first name and a silent “K” in their last name. He or she would have to be brought up with traditional Windsor Family Values, of course.

Talk to one’s hand.

In future, William, please remember that when discussing natural childbirth, there is no “We,” Royal or otherwise.

Oh dear, it’s kind of you to offer, but the flowers are quite sufficient.

Of course One knows what a “Prince Albert” is, but One is having such fun watching William and Catherine squirm as they try to figure out how to explain why they don’t want to name the baby after One’s father. 

No, darling, there’s nothing on your lip. Not much on top of your head, either, by the by.