Windsor Family Values

One is trying so very hard not to laugh, but one still cannot believe that cousin Harry has managed to be more embarrassing than one’s mother (this week, at least).

Kate!! Hey, Kate!! Over here, Kate! It’s me, Beatrice! Hiiiiiii!!

As one gets older, one finds it increasingly difficult to pretend that one loves all one’s grandchildren equally. 

Hey, Kate, call me maybe?

Beatrice, sit back down, Kate doesn’t want you following her to the toilet.

Oh, Eugenie, you poor thing. Your mother has a Twitter account? How appalling. 

You’ll have to forgive Beatrice; sometimes she just dozes off. Please don’t take it personally.

Overserved and under appreciated. FML.

One has nothing but respect and admiration for Darwin, but one wonders if every so often natural selection just takes a day off. One finds it difficult to believe that these two represent the best that was on offer genetically — even taking the whole Fergie factor into account.

God, Harry thinks he’s sooo funny putting hair dye in one’s Latisse. 

Beatrice, what the hell? People have finally started moving on from the whole pretzel-hat thing, and you decide to wear that?! I’m your sister, and I love you, but you have got to stop trying to dress yourself. 

Look! I told Bea and Eugenie that Granny requested they come dressed as mermaids.

Just perfect. Kate gets to ride on the big barge with Granny and I’m stuck back here, waving a paper flag on the same boat as all the bloody paparazzi.

Oh, Zara, please don’t make one go back over there. Beatrice keeps asking one to “please come on Mummy’s reality show. Oprah’s producing it, so it’s extremely tasteful.” 

Is it bad that I told Beatrice and Eugenie the dress code was casual and Granny said we should all wear jeans?