Windsor Family Values

Madam, one makes it a point never to speak to people with untidy hair. In future, you might consider a smart updo with a bit of volume on top.

Oh dear, Harry, you are one’s nephew and one loves you dearly, but one had sincerely hoped never to see quite so much of you. 

Oh Henry, you perfectly adorable idiot, mark my words: Mummy is going to rip you a new one.

‘Nuff said.

Madam. A person does not tell The Princess Royal where to go. A person asks The Princess Royal where it might please her to go. 

For heaven’s sake, Camilla, one is not “holding out on” you; one honestly isn’t “packing gin.”

Oh, hello, Catherine. One sees you’ve worn your hair down and loosely curled again today. 

Whenever one is seated next to one’s youngest brother, all one can think is Thank God for Angry Birds.

Catherine is a lovely girl, but one wishes she would follow one’s example and wear her hair in a sensible updo instead of messing about with these curls and ponytails and flowing tresses.

Honestly, Auntie Anne, one only asked to attend the women’s beach volleyball because, as an athlete, one has a genuine appreciation for the sport. Why is that so hard for you to believe?

Granny, honest, I haven’t any idea where the tabloids came up with such an absurd story. 

With anyone else, one would say, “At ease, soldier” right away. But since it’s Henry, one thinks one will let him squirm a bit.

Just because you’re in the pool doesn’t mean you can’t curtsy, does it?

Sir, one couldn’t help but notice that you mumbled your way through the second verse of “God Save the Queen.” What do you have to say for yourself?

Really, Andrew, Mummy wasn’t speaking in code. What part of “stop lending money to your ex-wife” do you not understand?